In the House

‘Pull my finger!’

If someone coughs, “It’s not the cough that carries you off, it’s the coffin they carry you off in”.

When squeezing past in the hallway and saying “excuse me please” – the reply from Dad will be to lock you in a bear hug and shout “I thought you said SQUEEZE ME”.

Before retiring to the bathroom for a ‘number two’, ‘give the sewage plant a ring…let them know there’s one on its way!’

‘Dad I’m hungry’ … ‘Hi hungry I’m dad’.

‘I’m proud of you son, I’m a wit, but you’re still only half as good as me!’

‘I´m off’ … ‘I wondered what the smell was!’

After you are struggling with something for a while, your Dad asks “Can I give you a hand?” You say yes and then he starts a slow clap.

When phone ringing Dad says ‘If it’s for me don’t answer it.’

Me: I’m thirsty. Dad: Hi, I’m Friday!

Me: I’m hungry. Dad: I’m Germany, pleased to meet you.

Me: It’s going to a cold night tonight. Dad: Yes, and a dark one too.

After watching you fall over: “Have a nice trip!”

When an attractive woman appears on TV, ‘Ah, She’s got a nice set of…..teeth!’

Mum asks Dad to ‘put the kettle on’ and Dad replies ‘I don’t think it will fit!’

‘Put the cat out’ … ‘I didn’t realise it was on fire’

Answers the phone by saying ‘Hello, Statue?’